I have had many enlightening conversations about the esoteric way with my two girls, so when they invited me to attend a Livingness seminar with them I was more than happy to accept.
On entering the venue - nothing had prepared me for the overwhelming feeling of love and warmth that greeted us. The girls were known by quite a few of the women there but I felt totally accepted and gathered in. It was a beautiful feeling and even as I write this account I can still feel the warmth, friendship and love.
Natalie Benhayon opened the first session which focused on love and honesty. It is a subject which I have touched on in another place so I was comfortable with it. During the session we broke into pairs and I was able to share a wonderful conversation with my daughter, something which has been waiting to happen for a long time, a mother and daughter moment to treasure.
In the break I noticed a young woman crying, there were people moving around but she seemed so alone. My initial reaction was to go and give her a hug and ‘’fix it’’. But I was mindful of the fact that maybe she needed to deal with something so I just sat and sent her thoughts of love. This was a really new experience for me, to allow her space to feel her moment and for me to respect that space. In retrospect I realize that those around her were doing the same thing - comfort and love at a distance. Even the guy who passed over a handfull of tissues respected her space. It was a whole new learning for me.
It was the second session of the day about which I want to write as it had such an impact on me. Natalie began to speak about women celebrating menstruation. Nooooo, this is not a subject I need to visit! My mind took a backward leap of 68 years. I was about 10 years old when my mother handed me a little book,’’what every girl should know.’
She told me to go and read it. Well, I did and I was absolutely mortified. I thrust the book back at her and told her in no uncertain terms that it was the most disgusting thing I had ever read and I was not having it. She laughed at my reaction and said that I would have it because it was all part of being a woman.
''I think that created the mindset which stayed with me for many years and had such a profound effect on my life.''
I was about 13 when the axe fell and from then on every month was a nightmare. I suffered cramps, bloat, pain, embarassment and loneliness. The old wives tales of, no hair washing, no swimming, no hot baths and no walking on cold floors added to my discomfort. I was given a packet of pads and a belt and basically told to get on with it. It was the era when womens business was not discussed openly and any questions I did put to my mother were brushed aside. I think there was embarrassment on both sides.
I returned to the session to hear Natalie saying that we should rejoice in our femininity, be aware of how our body works for us and she used such words as healing, cleansing and releasing. I just wanted to get up and shout ‘’wrong !’’
I looked at the women around me, including my two daughters and they were totally in tune with the subject. Was I the only objector? So I listened and at some point I opened my heart and my mind and took note of what Natalie was saying. I think at that point I had ‘’an epiphany’’ moment. It was as though a light had gone on. Here is the answer to the question...There was nothing wrong with me, I hadn’t been cursed all those years ago. I just didn't know.!!
Mind you, there was very little information on the subject and what there was, was probably written by doctors who only knew one side of the story. In later years I did some studies about the functions of the body and I was able to talk to my children when I felt it was the right time. My 15 years old son said he was glad he was a bloke. I agreed with him. However I didn’t know the rest of the story either. The girls know now and I need to tell my son so he will understand when his wife needs her space and some extra T.L.C.
''I am so pleased to have this new knowledge which has answered so many questions and has encouraged me to explore who I am.. me a woman, that vunerable feminine human being,whose need to be nutured, understood, respected and loved is the very essence of who I am.''
So many things are clear to me now. I realise that my rejection of what is a totally normal function for a woman, is indeed wrong. It is something to be celebrated because it makes us so unique. How far do I take this? Do I finish now or take it to the next level and explain how this mindset had such wider implications in my life?. Perhaps I should tell the rest of the story in the hope that it will help someone else.
Was it the mindset all those years past which had such an impact on the next two stages of my life? My first pregnancy was difficult and after a long labour, my cervix wasn’t dilating enough for the birth, so I had to have a c-section. I was disappointed that I wasn’t able to give birth naturally, to hold her in the first moments of her life, and to present a picture of new motherhood to my concerned husband.
When we asked the doctor if this would happen in future pregnancies I was told that all the problems of the last 9 months were in my head.!! I did have two more children, both c-sections but without the dramas. Everything went well with my life untill my mid 50’s menopause arrived with a capital M. The problems I experienced mirrored those of my teens. The usual things, but this time there were floods, showers day and night, no long trips and the pads were the biggest I could buy. I had every symptom expected and more including very low haemoglobin and depression. I put up with it for far too long untill the gynaecologist suggested a hysterectomy. Oh the liberation!!! I know there are women who have thought they had lost their femininity as a result of the hysterectomy. I can only say to them as I have said to myself - We are women, and we will always be women even without the bits and pieces we off load along the way. We are woman!!!
Thank you for showing me a new way to celebrate who I am.